


can't find the words

by Nagiru



Series: collect the stars [7]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: (I tried my best. But it's the Doctor. And I'm never sure which pronoun to use), (it's Grace btw. If you're wondering), Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, I don't know, I haven't actually written a single word about Season 12 in here., I wanted to! I did!, It's not as vague as I could've made it... so I guess I should tag it, Look. I'll give it to you straight:, Pronouns are hard when you're a nonbinary alien that doesn't seem to mind gender AT ALL, Relationship Study, but I enjoyed the Season 11 half of it!, but is it Major?, but not as big as possible!, but when I tried... it kind of... sucked, go me!, so you get Season 11 Character study! yay!, there's some character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:26:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24050548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nagiru/pseuds/Nagiru
Summary: Time runs on, slowly and abruptly, and sometimes... sometimes you're just along for the ride. Even if you're a Time Lord.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Graham O'Brien
Series: collect the stars [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1411228
Kudos: 6





	can't find the words

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back???? I think I'm back!!!! Well. For the time being, at least. But better than nothing! Especially because I've been wanting to write more of this series in _forever_!  
> (look. I actually wanted to write Bill's piece. Or, I don't know, Jack's! Or Rory's! Even _Mickey's_... but, you get what you get, and I was struck with a sudden thought of what to write for Graham, so... Graham it is!)
> 
> Ok. So. Let's begin by saying that... this was even less beta'ed than usual. I wrote half of it on my phone, when half-asleep (because that's the moment I have most of my ideas). I did look through it when passing to my computer, of course, but... there might be some need for edition still. Sorry.
> 
> Anyway. On to the story's notes...  
> Look. I said it in the tags, but I'll repeat here: I planned on writing here the whole study of the relationship between Doctor and Graham through seasons 11 and 12 _both_... but, like. I liked the part about S11... and then I promptly _hated_ what I had for S12. And realized that I probably wouldn't touch it with Graham (though I might with Yaz), because... because most of S12 will actually be covered in the Master's piece. Whenever I come to writing it.  
> (that one might end up as a long-fic, because apparently I'm unable to write simple things with the Master, wtf)  
> So. Yeah. You get Graham and Grace, because that also happened. I don't have enough about Grace to write one _just_ for Grace... but Graham on S11 can't really be looked at without also looking at Grace, so... you got a combo! (I'm kinda surprised I didn't just toss Ryan in here too, oops)
> 
> oh yeah. More thing mentioned in the tags...  
>  **a)** Grace's death is dealt with in this story. It's not _too_ explicit... but I don't just brush over it, either, so... bear that in mind?, and:  
>  **b)** The Doctor's pronouns are all over the place here. I didn't quite use male pronouns, this time, but... I might've thought about it, once or twice. But then I brushed it off with using only they/them and she/her, because... I don't even know why. I guess it's more because I don't know if the Doctor would actually think in _English_ , instead of, I don't know, Gallifreyan. And since Time Lords are supposed to be way beyond a human's comprehension of gender, I don't think there would actually be gender distinctive pronouns in Gallifreyan. Yep.
> 
> Whatever.  
> So! **Disclaimer** is, of course, that Doctor Who and characters do not belong to me, and I intend to profit nothing from this story. Besides comments. Those are always welcome.  
> Think that's it? Think so...  
> Well. Enjoy!

_It's okay if you can't find the words_

_Let me take your coat_

_And this weight off of your shoulders_

— “Two”, Sleeping At Last

* * *

They hadn’t planned on crashing through the roof of a train, but it had happened, and they knew there were probably worse things to have happened, so they didn’t mind much. They minded the threat much more, for example.

And the humans. The humans were also something to look out for. Differently from the threat, they thought. Maybe. Usually. Perhaps. They weren’t sure.

_(Were they? What were they, anyway? No matter. They’d find out. Somewhen.)_

The humans; yes, there were humans there, and they had to know that, had to write that out in their minds. Humans. Three males, two females. Two young males, one older one. One… very, very skeptical older one.

He was so _skeptical_. Such a normal, human reaction that they barely saw… They had to admit to having been impressed. Here was someone who didn't take their shit; here was someone who thought logically and rationally.

He was wrong, of course, and they would very much like to teach that to him, but it was still impressive. It wasn't just anyone that could be attacked by an alien and keep on believing aliens didn't exist, after all.

Unfortunately, though, that would have to wait for later. For some time when the threat wasn’t immediate, but only lingering on. For now, they had a train—no, a planet. Or a people—to save.

_(…though they had the… slight feeling… they should actually be looking for a doctor. But, whatever, they could find one after stopping this thing from the train)_

**.**

Time was a funny thing; they— _no, she, she was apparently a she, now, and she wanted to try that out. Being a she—_ would know, seeing how _she_ was a Time Lord. Time Lady? Time Being. Oh, the English language, always so _restricting_ …

But, yes. Time. She was always so difficult to get a grasp on, even when you had a natural sense for it like she did. Sometimes, it was a million possibilities flashing through your minds all at once, too many possibilities to take into account… other times, it was the Now, stuck like a broken record in the forefront of her mind, an inevitability she could see coming in slow motion, her own being too slow to stop it from happening.

This situation was one of the latter cases. She saw it coming just as she stood on that crane; it came all to her at once: Time rushing through her mind, Plans being made and unmade and remade in her brains, adrenalin kick starting her senses into being… herself, found at last… and the ever dragging, ever overwhelming Knowledge that she was too late. That a Possibility had become a Reality, and she would never be able to change that without some serious consequences.

She had never planned on losing one of the humans. She never _planned_ on that, true, but she had never planned on losing _one of the humans_. Especially not the bright ray that'd caught her eyes at first glance. Especially not the timestream interwoven with two other of them.

Now, the human was lying on the ground, zapped of her life, and the Doctor stared at the body, Knowledge burning at her Time Sense. It never changed, not even as she stared at the cut timestreams floating beside her. Gaping wide. Frayed ends where there used to be a balm holding them together…

And she sympathized. At that moment, when she looked at the loss and empty spaces in the lives around her… that was the moment she first thought: "they are mine. These humans are _mine_."

This was just a thought, not a Knowledge, but it struck her just as true as the Knowledge that Grace’s death was coming and she would be quite unable to do anything to stop it.

These humans, this mix of broken, grieving humans… they were _hers_. Her humans. Her newest group of mismatched children to care for. Her newest group of _friends_ to support and have as support.

And every single bone in her body screamed that Grace should have been one of them, one of her humans, but every single Sense in her mind assured her that she shouldn’t be, that her Time Line was quite correct, and she stood in the middle. Watching _Could Have Been_ s and _Facts Unchangable_ s flashing in the periphery of her Senses, and she mourned something she never knew, mourned the loss that was felt so strongly even now. In the gaping wounds screaming at her, from every single one of _her humans_ , but from no one as strongly as from the old man who’d stood firm to his beliefs.

She never met Grace, and she never really would, but in that moment, the Doctor looked at the body being mourned and at the people morning her, and she thought that she could still make the lost human proud.

**.**

_It probably wasn’t her best idea. Making proud a dead woman.  
A dead woman she had never even met, at that…  
but it wasn’t her worst, either, and she’d take what she could._

_Besides. She had promised kindness. She had promised love.  
What was more kind than saving someone from becoming her?_

**.**

**Things went well.**

Accidents that brought them together. Not-so-accidental happenstances that _kept_ them together.

Laughter and running away and _kindness_ , forced upon herself so she would not risk going down the wrong path again and risk _her humans_ again.

Things that were fine and interesting and _safe_. Things that were new and different. Places she could be just a traveller, just anyone else _but_ the Doctor…

**And then they didn’t.**

**.**

She had been there. She had loved and lost and sought revenge. She had loved and lost and _destroyed_. She had destroyed, no reason required. She had _been there_.

She didn't want anyone else to be there. Especially not alone. Especially not Graham.

Graham, who was old and lonely and smart. Graham, in whom she had been able to see herself, once or twice. Graham, who she wished could remain _more_ than herself.

Graham who was kind and respectful and sassy and protective and _lovely_. Graham who cared for any and all and held tight to all he loved, and grieved deeply whenever he lost some of it. Graham who would backtalk at her and keep her grounded whenever she started wandering too dark paths.

Graham who was about to do the worst mistake in his life if she allowed him to.

She'd been there. And no one had stopped her, because there was never anyone who could. She had been there and she had _done it_ and she had regretted it.

It might be hypocritical, but she refused to allow him, her friend, to do it, however much he wished so, however much it _hurt him_ to have her stop him from doing what he wanted.

_(it might be hypocritical, but she just wanted to be kind, just this once, just kind, and how could she call herself **kind** when she allowed her friends to even get to this point, in the first place?)_

So she took it upon herself. Too late. Too little. But she took it upon herself, and told herself it was kindness…

(And she believed it. For those moments. She believed it.)

She took him away, took his gun away, and told him, no questions asked, _not to do it_. Told him she’d have to abandon him if he did. Told him threats and promises, and told herself it was a kindness to do it this way, simply because she didn’t know how to do it any other way.

She told him not to do it and hoped he did what she had never done before, in his situation: _listened_.

**She was more relieved than she had any right to be when she realized he did.**

**Author's Note:**

> Ohhhh, right. Song of the time!!! Song is "Two" by Sleeping At Last. If I'm being completely honest, I almost used "Mars", again, but since I already used it for Martha's, I went with "Two"... which is actually a pretty good song for Graham, thinking about it... (well, the beginning, at least. Then it... gets a bit too romantic for Graham, I guess... oh well)
> 
> Anyway. Hope you enjoyed the story! Please, if possible, leave a comment on your way out so I know what you thought and/or what I need to improve at!


End file.
